Sometimes It's Hard

I am going to apologize in advance if this post is a downer.  If anyone thinks that things are happy-go-lucky 100% of the time, well they must be living in an alternate reality.

For a while now, I've been in a funk.  There are probably numerous factors that have contributed to this feeling, but lately I've had a hard time functioning normally.  I go to work, go through the motions, don't seem particularly down once I'm out and about, but I have a really hard time leaving the house.  I'm lathargic and just feel like sleeping all day.  2013 has been pretty yucky so far.  I haven't eaten so much crap in a long while, and i'm sure that hasn't helped the sittuation.  Thankfully, I am head over heels in love with my adorable 16-month old son.  He is what gets me through the day.

I am a single mom.  I chose to be this.  I struggle daily with feeling I'm not good enough, because I'm not the mom I thought I would be.  I have realized that I had expectations of the way I would live my life with my baby, but didn't think to take into account that not every baby has the same temperment or personality to do things the way you want.  Life revolves around your little one, especially if you do not have an easy-going child.  I wanted to be the mom that took her baby everywhere and did things similarly to before I became a mama.  I was well aware that things would change, and that I couldn't do everything that I did as a single woman, but I was not prepared fora baby that was go go go!  Kai was never one for sitting quietly and playing.  Even from a very young age, he liked to be moving around, and would get bored and want to move on to something new quite frequently.  This makes every-day-life very hectic and tiring.  Going out for a meal is usually challenging, unless it's just me and/or my parents, when there are no expectations of how things should go.  I was being pretty good about getting out for hikes and walks, but I always had to time it right with naps, etc. and sometimes I'm just too tired to even figure it out.

I'm in a weird sittuation.  All of my friends are either co-parents, married, or single.  I have no single parent friends, and that has become difficult.  This is another thing that I had no idea I would have to navigate my way through.  Going to events where no one has kids, or everyone has kids, but also have partners.  It's just kind of sad and depressing.  I have said no to a lot of invites over the past year and a half, and because of it, feel that I don't tend to get invited to many things anymore (rightly so), and I don't know how to change that.

I am struggling hard core with balancing working 2 jobs, spending time with Kai, and having any sort of social life.  It's hard not to feel guilty asking my parents (or anyone) to babysit after being away from Kai 3 days a week already, just so I can go hang out with some friends.

Up until about a month ago, I was co-sleeping, and loved it for the most part.  Then I finally became tired enough that I needed my own space.  Malakai had been waking more frequently at night, and the negatives had begun to out-weigh the positives of keeping him in bed with me.  I can say that I now get a decent night's sleep, but find myself more tired than ever, which was one of the first clues that something was seriously wrong.

I really dislike that I am writing this...because the more I think about things in a negative way, the more I think "I shouldn't be thinking this way!  I am so blessed and lucky to have all that I do!  My problems are barely a grain of sand compared to what other people are going through," and that my friends just magnifies the sadness.. Ugh.  Call it the Mama blues, or the pre-30's blues, or whatever you want, but lately I just can't seem to find happiness anywhere except my son's smile.  I just want to make sure that my son is happy, and that he has a happy mama!